Ask Diane! New Feature at tedstrong.com!

Diane, it hurts when I pee. It burns. What do I do?

Signed, Miss Hurtin' in St. Louis

Dear Hurtin',

It is probably an STD like Herpes. You need to see your doctor about this. And you need to use condoms.

Dear Diane,

My Mom keeps stealing my boyfriends, what do I do? How do I tell her not to do it?

Signed, Shafted in Harlem

Dear Shafted,

You need to keep your boyfriends away from your mother.

Dear Diane,

I am 13. My boyfriend and I were making out in a bandoned Chevy in a parking lot. Then he wanted to put his "thing" in me (my pajina) and I said, I don't want to get pegnant, and he said I couldn't on my first time, so we did it, and then he wanted to do it again, and I said that would be the second time, and he said, any time the first night is not going to get me pegnant. Now I'm pegnant and I got Herpees from the car I think because there must have been some Herpees bugs laying around on the seats.

Signed Pregnant and Helpless

Dear Preggers,

You can't be this stupid. If a man puts his penis anywhere near your vagina you can get pregnant. I beg of you: get an abortion. You can't deal with a kid and frankly a child of yours would probably be a bad thing for society. He/she will be, if not stupid, at least ignorant and uneducated. Herpes bugs. You can't be this stupid. It is practically impossible to get Herpes from a car. Your asshole boyfriend also gave you that.

Dear Diane,

Is there a way I can masturbate without getting my sperms everywhere? There's all these stains all over my room. My mom is asking what they are. We are Catholic and I know masturbation is a sin. But I can't help myself. Anyway, is there a way I can keep the sperms in my penis or balls and then pee it out later?

Signed, Miserable Sinner

Dear Miserable,

Catholics are stupid, masturbation is natural, it's very difficult and probably not healthy to try to keep from ejaculating your sperm. What if you masturbate with a condom on? Or some toilet paper or paper towels?

New Questions!!

Dear Diane,

I have these most annoying zits on my ass from sitting in my executive pleather chair all day. What can I do avoid this?

Signed, Fanny

Dear Fanny,

Don't sit so much, get a new chair, get a new job, exercise. At night use Stridex pads to wipe your ass. Occasionally cream your ass with an acne cream and leave it on over night, sleep on your stomach.

Dear Diane,

My step mom makes me dress up in a gimp outfit when we go shopping for groceries.  Is this normal?

Signed, Ponderous

Dear Ponderous,

No, not at all. That's insane, harmful and weird. You should either go to your father, if he is more rational, or go to a teacher, or child welfare. You will likely have some serious issues with sex in the next few years. I expect to hear from you again.

Dear Diane,

I dated my boyfriend faithfully all through junior high, high school and college. Sure, we had ups and downs. I thought: "Hey, am I going to go through my high school career dating just one person?" Yes! We even waited till we were married before we had sex. Our commitment to God and each other made our relationship stand the test of time.

Signed Connie Nelson, 23, Roanoke, Va.

Dear Stupid,

That is retarded. First of all how are you supposed to learn anything about life by dating a guy from junior high through college, and then marrying him? He's probably fucking some girl right now. You're pretty fat aren't you? The fact that you didn't have sex with him until you were married for God, is hilarious. There is no god, and if there was, he wouldn't care if you got fucked every once in a while. And by the way, what you wrote isn't even a question.

Got a question about anything? Ask Diane.

Diane

Diane Archives #2

Diane Archives #3