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Diane,

My girlfriend won't have sex with me. She says she wants to wait to get married. And I'm all okay with it. But, I'm like well, at least show me your boobies and stuff. And she won't do that either. And if we start kissing, she makes us stop after like a minute. Should I break up with her?

Signed, Goin' Crazy

Dear Crazy,

Yes.

Dear Diane,

Diane,

I believe in God and know that it is wrong to have sex before marrying. I know that God would be disappoined in me. I am 17 and my boyfriend wan'ts to have sex with me. And I'm like no and he's like well at least let me touch your breastses and I'm like no and then he's like let's make out and I'm like no because I know that it will just lead to sex. I want to wait to have sex when I get married.

Signed, Virgin

Dear Virgin,

Good luck with your God stuff. Good luck trying to have a relationship with someone too.

Dear Diane,

I like to drink a lot. Some people say I'm an alcoholic. I enjoy some scotch after school. And then later in the night. Is that so wrong?

Signed To Drink or Not to Drink

Dear Drunk,

You are an alcoholic.

Dear Diane,

My girlfriends titties are fake, but she says their not. They so are. I want her to have them made even bigger and she says no because she says she would never do that to her boobies. Like she is a "strong woman" she says. And I'm like but you already did it! And she's like, no I didn't. But Diane, if you saw or touched her boobs, you'd be like Oh my god, so fake! How do I get her to make her tits bigger?

Signed, Titty Crazy

Dear T.C.,

All I can suggest is to keep the pressure on her. She sounds pretty dumb, and you do too. I believe you that she has fake breasts. But it's really only her decision to enlarge her breasts. But she's got to be pretty stupid to be with someone like you in the first place, so, she may cave. Good luck!

Dear Diane,

I think my wife should stay at home and not see her "friends" because I am afraid guys will hit on her in public. If I'm there that's okay, I can beat the fuck out of any jerk-off who tries to come on to my woman. But I'm all day driving a truck. She's maybe at home, maybe not. I always question her about where she's been, sometimes I have to hit her to keep her in line. Then she tries to ask me about my other girlfriends, and I just say, THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! And I can't make her do what I say. She went to the market today and I asked her what she bought and what time she got home and what time she left and I check the mileage on the car, and I still am not sure if she's telling the truth.

Signed, Trucker Rick

Dear Dick,

Tell your wife to get a divorce.

Dear Diane,

Hi Diane. My husband tried to make me have sex in my butt last night, and I got so scared. I thought he was gay. And that he's sick and some kind of pervert and non-Christian. I thought maybe he might have some Jewish or Black in him from an ancestor. And it scared me.

Signed, That's Where My Poo Comes Out

Dear Poo Comes Out,

For actual anal intercourse, picking a position can be important. Many women want to be on top, to regulate how fast penetration occurs. Other like to lie on their stomachs, or crouch doggy-style, or to be penetrated while lying on their sides. Choose what's best before you start.

As always, control yourself. Take your time and use lots of lubricant. People who like anal sex say that "too much lube is almost enough." He should listen to you-- if you tell him it starts to hurt, he should back off.

Eventually, a time will come during your lovemaking where your anus will relax enough to allow the head of the cock to 'pop' into you. If you are completely relaxed, that pop should feel completely painless. Now just because he's inside you is no reason to start pounding away like mad. He should let your body adjust. Take your time. Eventually you will both be ready for more.

Dear Diane,

My mom and dad won't let me listen to music, drink, do drugs, they drug test me, they won't let me out of the house after 7. They won't let me see anyone of the opposite sex. The only thing they let me do on the weekends is go to church and sunday school. They don't like me to have friends, and only want me around the house so they know where I am all the time. Help! I can I make my parents see my way!

Signed Crying in Croatia

Dear CC,

If your parents are this bad, they will never see your way. Just try to wait it out until you are 16 or 17 and then run away and try to get a job.

Dear Diane,

The other day I went into the local Safeway and asked the guy behind the counter if they had a bottle of personal lubricant, some jellybeans, some Red Vines, 10 pounds of Cheddar, and a ski mask and I got a weird look and was asked to leave.  Should I be concerned that my shopping habits are being misconstrued as something they aren't or should I go back and tell the guy to go fuck himself?

Please help!

"Cleanup in Aisle 5"

Dear Cleanup,

What should your shopping habits be construed as? It this a sex thing? If so, I could stretch a point and say it's all okay, except the Cheddar cheese. I don't understand that. Or was the cheese just for cheese, and you bought all that other stuff to be used together. Or, did you really just want some lubricant, a ski mask for an upcoming ski event, Cheddar for grilled cheese, jelly beans and red vines for snacking? You're way of describing the incident leaves me to think you might have a pretty small I.Q. You don't have any friends either do you? :-(

Got a question about anything? Ask Diane.

Diane

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