The Ways of the Stars...

Aries Mar. 21 - April 19
If you're frustrated, go somewhere alone to deal with your feelings. You piss people off. And don't drink so much.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Important negotiations may bring you a different kind of lifestyle, one that involves S&M.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've been waiting in the wings for a chance to show what you really can do. Unfortunately as a Gemini, you can do practically nothing; you suck.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
"Calm your fears and focus on the positive side of difficult situations" would be a nice thing to say, but it won't work. Spend the rest of the month on a bender.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
Your partner or mate could give you a different perspective on many matters. You won't listen, because you're a Leo, and he/she will break up with you before the weekend.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You may feel as though you're in over your head. Tread water for now. Get used to it.

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
Don't let deadlines take a toll on your health. Don't show up for work this week. Although you have a shining reputation and command great respect, a person in authority could impose some restrictions, and you'll stand for it, because you are a pussy.

Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
You are, as always, the god of the rest of the weaker signs. In fact this month, you could easily get any Capricorn to give you all his/her cash and assets for a kiss.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Be aware of your constant ineffectiveness.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Watch your words. Learn how to spell. Adapt to the internet. It is not the "Devil's tool."

Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
You generally have the support of others, but today you will lose the support of a group. Because you're rather uninteresting.

Pisces Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Misunderstandings about money could cause tempers to flare. Five ones equal one five; two fives equal one ten; two tens equal one twenty; a ten and two twenties equal a fifty... Shit, dude, just learn it.

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