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ASNER: THE "JUNGLE"
Briefly, in February, I had a contest called "Draw You Own Penis." It was only mildly successful. But we did get one celebrity posting, which has had me wanting to expand on that celebrity. Edward (Ed) Asner, who hasn't had an erection since 1967, had drawn his flaccid penis. The area is covered in hair (too graphic to show here). Asner, 73, is a radical environmentalist. He therefore does not bathe very regluarly. He laughingly refers to his pubic area as 'the jungle'. "It's deep and dark in there and I just don't deal with it," he says. Asner says his big fat belly keeps him from seeing his genitals. He has no mirrors in his home, which was built out of old candywrappers in the 80s. "Sometimes I roll in the mud to remind myself of how many more human rights humans have than pigs. We are all animals -- we are all entitled to the same rights!" "I am a very hairy animal," Asner says. "I -- like all humans -- am a mammal." "When I urinate, I just stand naked on Mother Earth and let my waste-water sprinkle through my hair and land on the ground. Soon, our Mother Earth has taken my urine-water and used it to promote natural growth." As far as disposal of feces goes, "again, I just squat in the forest and it is as though Mother Earth has a magnetic force pulling the waste matter from my anus. My defecation then aids the growth of the greenery -- naturally."
ASNER'S NOSE: INSIDE & OUTEdward Asner is old and fat and red. So is his nose. An ideal candidate to play Santa Claus, Asner's bright red nose would appear to come from a lot of boozing over the years. Vodka shots and vodka martinis and mixed vodka drinks make you drunk. And decades of it turn your nose red, make it lumpy, bumpy and veiny. "It looks like the surface of the moon," says Gavin McLeod, co-star. Asner started out in the 60s playing short, fat supporting parts. He was a bad guy against Duke Wayne in Hawks' El Dorado. Politically Asner was against the Duke as well. But by the 70s the Duke and Asner were both pretty fat. But the Duke was nearly a foot taller. In the early 80s Asner vehemently opposed the presidency of Ronald Reagan, and shortly after he began his diatribes his bloated "Lou Grant" was pulled off the air. Fans, Asner & liberals outcried -- but it wasn't enough.
Asner originated Lou Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Asner played a gruff, lovable news editor in a half hour sitcom. Then they got the brilliant idea of having Asner play a gruff, less lovable, alcoholic, news editor in an hour drama series.
ASNER'S BODY HAIRReportedly, Ed Asner has 60% more body hair than the average man between the ages of 18 and 88. As with many hairy men, Asner's lost most of the hair on the top of his head. Asner has reputedly 8 color variations of body hair: black, grey, white, silver, red, orange, brown and blond. It wasn't until 1992 that Asner discovered a patch of blonde hair just below his navel. "My doctor actually pointed it out to me," he said. "I haven't been able to see that lower part of my belly since 1948." No men want to lose the hair on the top of their head and have massive patches of hair proliferate on the rest of their body. Not just hair on Ed Asner's forearms -- but all the way up -- wrapping all around his arms. It never stops. There is hair under his arms to be sure. But it's on his shoulders, chest, neck & back, it's on his ass too. And covering his legs and crotch. It's everywhere -- but lacking in the one place it should be -- on his head! Now, this is not a strange Ed Asner story. This condition is not rare. It's not frequent, but it's not rare either. Why does this happen to men? Let's jump back and take a look at history and evolution. It feels good to have sex. That's how over time the human species evolved and made it feel good, so as to keep it's species alive! Early apes had more of a tail. We as humans today, need no tails: "Ohhh, the monkeys have no tails in Zambawonga..." We developed more prominant thumbs over time too. Oh, hell, go look it up. But the question remains -- why do some men have so much body hair? Are these the most primitive of men today? Me like meat! Me like sex. Me sleep. Ooooh, fire. Do hairy men enjoy camping more? Are hunters on average hairier than non-hunters? Men are more adventure bound than women. I mean, studies show. I think there's some truth to it. Fight Club. But I don't want to get all political. So why is Ed Asner so hairy? Is it just leftover stuff that hasn't been completely phased out yet? Is it like an appendix? It's too bad your hair can't burst and you'd need to have it removed. However, there are hair removal options! Take note you hairy beast men! Women with moustaches! Tweezering: Great for eyebrow work, but hardly the answer for the Ed Asners. Waxing: Good, this works! But is largely a never-ending routine! Electrolosis: is being phased out by the new... Laser Hair Removal! It's expensive but over time worth it! Let's deal with Asner's back -- that would cost about $500 - $600 per session. You'd need about 5 - 6 sessions over a year or so. But after that, you'll be in pretty good shape. It should keep 90% or more of the hair away! It's painful -- but not much more than waxing! You need to have a certain type of darker hair for it to work though. 
Asner's films include: 1990s 1980s 1970s 1960s |
