Ted on Dogs

Ted used to hate dogs. Ted always hated dogs. Ted's dad hated dogs, or rather, he didn't like them, because he didn't understand them, or their relationship to humans. Plus, more importantly he felt they were dirty, and a hassle. And, there is truth in that.

Forced to get a paper route when I was 12, I was chased by dogs and finally bitten by a Doberman.

So, then I continued to hate dogs. I wouldn't touch them and I'd run away. Then my sister got this rowdy, terrible dog and named it Hasty, because Joanna tends to make "hasty" decisions. Such as her one to buy a dog.

Hasty is light reddish brown and is a mix of something. She's a medium-large sized dog, I'd say. So, I was all anti-Hasty for a while, but Jo would bring it up to NorCal for holidays and stuff. Long story short, Hasty and I are totally pals now.

Hasty is a dog, so compared to humans she is "stupid." The classic Hasty move is that she wants to play with you. She wants you to throw a toy so she can go and get it and bring it back to you. This game is commonly referred to as "Fetch."

So, Hasty will bring the rubber toy back to you, but she won't let you take it. You try to grab it out of her mouth and she won't let it go. Her whole body gets like a shark's body when a shark attacks. It kind of very widely, muscularly wriggles.

So, if you then walk away, or pretend to walk away, she'll put the toy down and kind of move a little away from it, but she keeps her eye on it. Like, she's like, "let's play my stupid way, oh wait, you won't? Okay you can have the toy." And then you go for the toy and she snatches it back up. She'll never really get too far away from it. You have to be really fast. Kicking it away right before her mouth gets it is the best way to take care of the situation.

So, now I'm like "hey, I want a dog." I need unconditional love. Although it's not really love. Humans assign human feelings to animals. This is why some people are vegetarians. And why so many people are anti-fur coats. But we can pretend it's love. And they do depend on you. And they will follow you around and want to be with you. Few people I've known ever wanted that -- hello!